I Need Twenty Two Million Dollars To Buy This Chicago Mansion And I Needed It Yesterday

(Zillow) – Standing in the shadow of the grandiose Richardsonian Romanesque style Thompson House, it is impossible to feel anything short of awe. This exquisite structure, designed in the 19th Century by Cobb and Frost for attorney John H Thompson, evokes a time of true masterpiece that is unparalleled in today’s market. Lovingly and painstakingly restored, this nationally registered Historic Landmark is one of the most iconic homes in Chicago’s highly sought after Gold Coast. Its enviable location provides gorgeous views of Washington square, making it just steps away from Lake Michigan and a short walk to Chicago Mag Miles. Inside this timeless home you’ll be met with the efficiency of 21st Century technology complemented by high quality craftsmanship: custom millwork, silk wall-coverings, marble floors, stained glass windows, rich wood paneling, Mahogany h/w floors. Experience true gentility and sophistication and own a piece of Chicago history with a property that was built to enchant for centuries.

Twenty one point nine million dollars is a fucking STEAL for true gentility, which is a fancy way of saying being better than others based on the things you own. Seriously. You want to be better than Chicago’s common man? Then step right this way into thirteen thousand square feet of rich opulence and splendor as we tour this exquisite structure:

Outside you will notice the house takes up a lot of fucking space because it’s gigantic. That’s the first thing that really jumps out.

The second thing that jumps out – again – is just how fucking big it is.  I can’t get over the size of this house we’re touring. It’s got this Masonic non-denominational church vibe that just screams exclusivity and privilege. And at $1,650 a square foot – roughly the cost of your Wrigleyville 2-bed – you better fucking believe there’s exclusivity and privilege. But none of that shit matters right now because this is an internet tour so just follow me.

Once inside, you immediately realize you don’t belong. In fact you should probably leave. But because the house is so goddamn big you can’t remember how you came in. So you keep moving, but not fast enough to neglect the painstaking detail that went into this full body 19th century renovation. I’ve hardly left the Continental United States but all this shit looks European. No other place could invent two chairs as stupid as those in front of that $100k fireplace. God I love rich people.

From there we’ll move into the kitchen, where you’ll notice a continuation of these very large wooden things attached to the ceiling. That seems to be a common theme throughout the house and is likely instrumental in making you better than other people. Other super practical features include comfortable seating for 45 guests, a breakfast nook, custom millwork under the garbage disposal and one of those auto icemakers in the freezer with the crushed/cube option for all your summer spritzes.

Earlier I said there was this big church vibe, and that was before I noticed a domed stained-glass ceiling. Coming out of the kitchen and heading upstairs, it’s hard to miss this sensible yet elegant nuance. Us real estate experts call this Surplus Value.

On the middle floor, you’ll find yourself in a hobbit-themed archway that is again surrounded entirely of wood. Wood is everywhere. For 21.9 BIG ONES there sure is a sizeable fire risk. Something to remember when you get to the negotiating table.

From there, you go into the first of the six bedrooms, this one adorned with some ridiculous hollowed out dome like you just landed the VIP suite on a Royal Carribean 5-day, 4-night cruise package. I love a good mansion but seriously forchrissakes have some goddamn class. Also, this room comfortably seats 6 people. The options are personally becoming overwhelming. No wonder rich people do so many drugs. I can’t even tour this place virtually without a panic attack.

Just off that bedroom, you’ll find another 6-figure fireplace flanked by those country club couches no one has ever comfortably napped on. The jury is out on the thing hanging above the mantle – it’s either a flat screen TV made to look like some expensive Italian mirror, or the complete other way around. At this point in the tour my vote is for a Samsung with the NFL Sunday Ticket. Alternatively, if it is a mirror, it better be one of those skinny mirrors. You know what I’m talking about.

Finally some goddamn booze. We’ve been up and down 8 flights of stairs and I need a drink. Fortunately this mansion boasts it’s own Saloon, which is a word you use when  you don’t want to feel bad about your drinking problem.

Sweat out last night in this sprawling gym, a room to be used exclusively by you in January and your wife every Tuesday and Thursday while she’s getting piledrived by the personal trainer. No thanks. When I buy this house, the first thing I’m doing is turning this into a speed pitch. Put a couple catchers on payroll so I always have a live body to throw to. Then use the remaining space for a bowflex and bocce ball court.

When you’re done exercising, join me on this perfectly manicured veranda for light refreshments and playful banter about market volatility as it impacts your long term positions. God being rich is so fun. The pergola is a nice touch, although I’m uneasy about the site angles from the neighboring 300-unit apartment building directly adjacent. But when you’re as rich as we are on this tour, you WANT other people to revel in your success. Stare away friendly neighbors. The hookers aren’t just for us rich guys.

And so concludes today’s tour of 915 N Dearborn. I hope you were as enchanted as I with all the fancy shit that comes with a $87,000 monthly mortgage payment (30-year fixed, 4.5% APR). For nothing else, it’s nice to know there’s a place for Bryce Harper if/when he moves to Chicago.